Last year, as we often do, we were going through a tough time financially. As church planters, it often feels like we have a lot of balls in the air at any given moment. The finance ball always seems to be a little flat and hard to keep hold of. During this specific season, as I often do, I was struggling with depression and discouragement. It seems to be part of the journey. Or, at least a part of my journey. It’s something I hate. In every season like this, I always feel a sense of guilt at my lack of trust in God’s provision. I feel guilt in my discouragement. I feel guilt in my depression. A whispered voice tells me, “Real christians don’t feel this way.” I know in my head this is a lie. My heart isn’t so sure.
There in the middle of this swirling chaos of emotion, self-doubt, and binge coffee drinking, I decided I didn’t want to be a part of this economy. The economy where my needs were were the sole focus. I decided to disinvest myself from the economy of doubt and uncertainty. As almost an act of defiance and rebellion I decided to impulsively give. Is that smart? Probably not. Did I do it to “get blessed”? No. Was I blessed anyway? Yes, as soon as I filled out the faith promise card and set up recurring giving, the voice of doubt went silent.
I chose to give in response to my doubt. To give in response to my own uncertainty. The first time I did this I decided to support a missionary that was working really hard to finish itineration. I also chose to support a missionary who had never contacted me for support. I didn’t tell them I was going to support them before I submitted the faith promise form. I just did it. Since then, every time I go through a season like that I do it again. Choose another missionary to support. The voice whispers about how stupid all this is, about how unwise this thinking is. But, as soon as I click submit, its voice is again silenced. Is any of this rational? No. No it is not.
In the last year, I have learned that the world doesn’t revolve around me. I have experienced two things as a result of disinvesting from the economy of “ME” and reinvesting in God’s economy, the economy of others. First, I struggle with doubt and discouragement less frequently. Second, I am able to see God meeting my needs even before I know it’s happening.
What about you? Have you ever disinvested from doubt?